In my case, I know that it’s spring when, following an extended Christmas truce, the ceaseless war on the slugs, aphids and other garden pests resumes. I renounced chemical weaponry many years ago, but don’t think this makes my garden or allotment any sort of haven for the sap-suckers and slimers out there. On the contrary, it just makes their deaths all the more gory and gruesome.
When I decided to write this post, I searched in vain for notes from a presentation I made to former work colleagues quite a few years ago, entitled “Pest Control in the Organic Garden”, delivered to show I had been paying attention and had learnt something during a training session on delivering training. At its conclusion, colleagues present very probably changed their view of me from “mostly harmless” to “dangerous psychopath”. From what I remember, it started something like this:
“When you tell people that you’re an organic gardener, they tend to think this means you’re a bit of an old hippy, a gentle, chilled-out being at peace with all living creatures. This is wrong. When you think of organic gardening, think of The Good Life. Then imagine it remade by Quentin Tarantino.”
Picking up the movie references, the audience were introduced, via overheard projector, to a cartoon line-up of the Usual Suspects; slug, aphid, caterpillar, leatherjacket and one other I forget (that’ll be the little insignificant guy who turns out to be – spoiler alert! - the arch villain at the end).
The remainder of the talk, for time was limited, looked at just one of these notorious criminals – the slug. I busted the myth of the supposedly cute snail (double layer overheard projection of a snail – removing the top sheet with the shell reveals it to be merely a slug in disguise – ah-ha!), and proceeded, via the Magic Roundabout and the Tarantino reference to “Kill Brian – Part I”.
In this I explained the workings of various slug-proof barriers, such as crushed egg-shells (fatal lacerations), wood ash (lime burning) and copper (electrocution) and of the beer trap. Slugs have utterly failed to embrace the principles of the Temperance Movement, so it remains delightfully easy to lure scores of them to their doom in a pit of alcohol. In addition to drunkenness, they are also prey to the sin of gluttony and, as I explained to an increasingly queasy audience, can allegedly be exploded on a diet of dry bran.
It was “Kill Brian – Part 2” that caused most disquiet, however, dealing as it did with mortal combat. Readers of a nervous disposition may wish to look away now. Rather than relying on the overhead projector, this part used props. Specifically ‘Plastercine’ slugs, realistic-looking slugs loving hand-crafted by myself for the occasion, a torch (small and battery operated, not the large wood and tar flaming type, the latter being used for hunting ogres, not slugs), a sharpened stick and a pair of scissors.
I explained, with probably more relish than someone of absolute sanity, how one could venture out into the garden on dark, damp evenings, armed with the torch and either the stick or the scissors, find slugs about their slimy business and either impale them (touché!) or cut them in half. Like so (gave demonstration, using above-mentioned props). No-one actually passed out, not even my colleague Samantha, who had herself delivered a fine exposition of the principles and practice of being a Drama Queen - specifically ‘the strop’ and ‘the flounce’ - but it was a close thing.
So once again, the battle-lines are drawn. At present, I feel I may have the advantage. My allies are gathering. The mild winter and my diligence in protecting them from what frost there has been means there are already battalions of ladybirds patrolling the garden in search of aphids. I saw the first of the hoverflies (also aphid-eaters) on an open crocus yesterday. Also, the ponds are seething with frogs, who dine on slugs (at least they do if they are actually larger than the slugs). I shall say no more about the frogs’ current activities than I cannot post up-to-date photos of them without changing the status of this blog to one with “adult content”. Indeed, Caligula might blush. But as the old saying goes, all’s fair in love and war.
So once again, the battle-lines are drawn. At present, I feel I may have the advantage. My allies are gathering. The mild winter and my diligence in protecting them from what frost there has been means there are already battalions of ladybirds patrolling the garden in search of aphids. I saw the first of the hoverflies (also aphid-eaters) on an open crocus yesterday. Also, the ponds are seething with frogs, who dine on slugs (at least they do if they are actually larger than the slugs). I shall say no more about the frogs’ current activities than I cannot post up-to-date photos of them without changing the status of this blog to one with “adult content”. Indeed, Caligula might blush. But as the old saying goes, all’s fair in love and war.
