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| Simple pleasures - home-grown veg and a happy hubby - but Facebook thinks I should aspire to more than this! |
Not that I take up most of the opportunities and products with which Facebook tempts me. Sometimes, it clearly picks up on a comment I've made and advertises something relevant (polytunnels at present), but more often it's clearly working from assumptions and stereotypes based on my age and gender, or just making completely wild guesses. Why, for example, would I 'like' a cat charity's site when all the stray cats in this dstrict use my front lawn as a toilet? I would rather 'like' the paramilitary wing of the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds ('Continuity RSPB', anyone?)
You get some glorious contrasts and contradictions in Facebook adverts, though - like the juxtaposition of one of the many 'shocking weight-loss secret' ads (usually associated with a Z list, size zero celeb once derided as 'fat' because you couldn't count her ribs through her bikini) with one below it urging me to 'Bake Better Cupcakes!' while just beneath that was 'buy gorgeous corsets' or something to that effect. So there you have it - get thin, pig out, then compress the consequences back into a socially acceptable figure! Sorted!
And naturally, being a woman, I must care deeply about shoes, so hardly a login goes by without an ad for some implausibly extravagant footwear appearing alongside my friends' updates. 'Killer Heels' weren't kidding - the picture with the ad was definitely of something which, applied to my feet, would probably have punctured sheet steel, and when you're already pushing 6ft tall, you would really need to accessorise those towering red stilletos with a hard hat to save bashing your brains out on the doorframe whenever you entered a room. If they even make shoes like that in a size nine-and-a-half.
Actually, I bet they do. And not for girls, either.
Since passing 50, the ratio of menopause remedies to life assurance schemes has shifted slightly in favour of the latter, with a sprinkling of funeral plans for good measure, while all manner of bizarre beauty tips are just a click away, or so I guess from those '60 year-old woman looks 30!' claims, next to a pic of a lady who's either 94, or has spent all of her shorter life sunbathing without the factor 25, while another 'shocking beauty secret' appears to involve a jar of lemon curd. I think I'll put up with '50 year-old woman looks a bit older than that but still has all her own teeth and doesn't fritter her hard-earned cash away on pointless beauty products or quack 'remedies' for an entirely natural phase of life'.
I had thought, however, that Facebook had now decided I was officially 'past it', as many months had passed since they last advised me that there were men, of various specifications (and I hasten to add that by specifications I mean 'single', 'dads', 'sincere divorced' etc, rather than anything anatomical!), looking for 'lurve' in my area. Either that, or someone (or some algorithm) had noticed the 'married' reference in my personal profile and the frequent affectionately-subtitled photos of dear Mr H that make it onto my status.
But no - this post has been prompted by the news that 'in your area' (because I'd be too old to travel far? Or too young for a free bus pass?) single men are looking for 'faithful women'. So, you might wonder, why is Facebook telling this to a happily-married woman? In order that I can let them know that 'faithful women' are indeed out there, and they shouldn't give up hope of one day finding one of their own, the poor lonely lads? Or are Facebook's dating agency accomplices working on the premise that although these guys would prefer 'faithful' partners, someone else's cheating wife would do?
While I usually allow myself a wry chuckle at this nonsense, sometimes I can only stare speechless at the poor aim and utter bluntness of Cupid Facebook's arrows. The classic - bearing in mind that even a cursory glance at my 'likes', photos and comments gives me away as a bit of a Leftie - was the revelation that there were 'faithful policemen' looking for love in my area. As opposed to the disgracefully shifty undercover ones with false names from the gravestones of dead children and fake lifestories who routinely sleep with unattached female activists, presumably?
Still, it could be worse. With all our online data apparently being routinely shared with the various US intelligence agencies, I suppose I should watch out for ads telling me that there are 'Sincere CIA Operatives' looking for 'faithful women' too? Watch out for the Prism Dating Agency girls! It's watching out for you...
